Friday, November 22, 2013

And Now You Know The Rest Of The Story...

I've really thought about sharing this blog with everyone on my Facebook page.

That freaks me out, though. I'm not really a private person, I just don't typically discuss my flaws or leave them out on the table for every asshole to read and/or judge me by.

Well, I don't know at this point if I'm posting this for all to see or sharing with a few of my favorite people. I was inspired to write a little "Random Facts About Me" via blog post by a dear Pennsylvania friend. So here it is!

1. I am absolutely obsessed with romantic comedies. Which is weird because I like people to think I don't have feelings. Nothing that happens in rom-coms happens in real life, though. No one as handsome and charming as Tom Hanks would end up in a chat room talking to a beautiful and charming Meg Ryan. And Billy Crystal surely wouldn't get the girl in real life by being a misogynistic asshole--especially a girl like Meg Ryan. (I have a giant girl crush on her, obviously! She is truly my favorite.) I think that's why I like them just like someone who likes sci-fi. This is my science fiction. Although, I really hate science fiction because I don't believe in aliens--at all.

2. I am absolutely nuts. No seriously. I am unstable and crazy. Especially when it comes to relationships with males. I literally don't trust guys to not be assholes (because most of the ones I'm interested are assholes), I try to jump into everything head first, I cannot stand when I get too much attention, I panic when I am ignored. I am seriously not at all suited for a relationship as of right now. I hate feeling tied down but I hate being left to my own devices. I am not to be trusted either though. Not that I'm a cheater, but I change my mind so quickly--I might be. I'm needy when I'm needy. Meaning if I want something, it needs to happen.

3. I only started watching the Packers play because of Reggie White. I absolutely loved that man. I thought his soup commercials with his mom were adorable and so was he. He made it into my heart and made me into the Packers fan I am today. I didn't even realize that because my brother and dad were both Bears fans that I was 'cheering for the enemy'. But, 15 or whatever years later I'm still here...

4. I used to think I was going to turn into a boy. I was absolutely convinced as a little girl that I would soon become a boy - just like my brothers. I just thought that's what happened.

5. On that same note: I thought I was supposed to marry one of my brothers. After I figured out I wasn't going to turn into a boy, I assumed that meant I had to marry one of my brothers. Thank God none of my childhood assumptions were true.

6. I am a mess. I really hate cleaning. I love to dust and vacuum, but that whole 'put stuff away' thing doesn't appeal to me. My clothes usually stay in the baskets (on the floor) and everything else is just everywhere.

7. I am a music snob. No, I don't like your taste in music. At all. I like mine. And that's it. We're not similar and I don't want to listen to your playlist. We're listening to mine or nothing at all. Unless you're my brother Jake. I trust his taste in music.

8. I cannot stand when words are misspelled or used incorrectly. My problem is this: if you spell a word wrong or use a word incorrectly, I cannot help but use it literally. If you spell "definitely" as "defiantly", something I see too often, your sentence actually changes completely and I cannot read it as definitely anymore. If you are "defiantly" going to the store, you are going with hesitation. Get it? You're not absolutely going. I hate your typos.

9. I have a cat. I don't care if you don't like cats. I'm not asking you to like my cat. Just know that I don't care if you're more of a 'dog person' than a cat person. I'm not even a cat person. I just like my cat. He's a complete selfish asshole, which is quite the coincidence because that's how I seem to like my men too.

10. I wanted to sue someone when I grew up. My dad asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up and I replied, "Nothing, I just want to sue someone." And that was how I was going to make my millions apparently.

11. I'm half-assed working on convincing people I don't believe in dinosaurs. I don't know why and I don't even have a good argument for it. It's just something I decided to do this year.

I hope this was enlightening and now you've all fallen madly in love with me. In fact - enjoy the rest of the blog. I'm typically an open book but I never share my actual thoughts with anyone, so.. I guess this is me sharing thoughts.

Monday, June 3, 2013

Tell it to the Universe: Actively Attracting Love

I believe pretty heavily in The Secret (I don't know if I am required to include a copy write thing here or not?)

Anyways, I love the law of attraction so much and when I am actively practicing it shit really goes my way. (OH not the way that nut job Jodi Arias was.. I love it in a very sane and normal way. In a hopeful and positive way.. Not in a "i'm going to kill someone and use this to get out of it kind of way)

So I am right now currently going to start attracting love into my life because I am actually getting really annoyed with my current 'lifestyle' in regards to men. I have shit luck. I always meet these really fun guys and we have an absolute blast together...but we never exchange numbers or anything. I never even make it seem like I'm interested in them on any other level than a 'basic' level. I always act like I'm "too cool" for the emotions that come along with having a crush. I crush for a second then feel silly about it so I give it up. The crush that is.. So I'm trying to figure this out. I think I've blocked off any receptors that are needed to emote the emotions I should be emoting. Make sense?

For a very long time I've convinced myself, and maybe others, that I do not have feelings, I do not require a relationship and I do not want/need/think/feel at all like the kind of person that wants/needs a relationship

Truth time:
I miss love. Well, lemme rephrase that. I don't know if I've ever been IN love. I dated a guy for a very long time. We lived together. But I don't know if it was love. It might have been. I cared for him deeply and I worried about him and I wanted him to be happy and all that...but I was a really terrible, awful, crazy, jealous, emotional, wreck of a girlfriend. I'm 27 years old and I haven't been anyone's girlfriend in 5 years. I want to try it again.
So, I am going to actively start attracting love into my life again. Starting with this:

This is my current "home screen" on my phone. I am going to look at this picture and the message daily and I am going to reaffirm what my brain needs to remember. I attract love. Love attracts love and I attract love.

I really want that fun love though you know? (See my previous post) I want that. Just the "crazy for you" love. But the absolute fun seeking love.

I like love. It's funny and happy. It's simple and reaffirming.

Love love love.

I don't want flowers, candy, jewelry, clothes, cars.. I can buy all that stuff for myself. I just want someone who thinks I am hilarious, who i think is hilarious and who thinks I have substance to offer and has substance to offer me. I really look forward to being the girl that someone is completely excited about and I look forward to being completely excited about someone.

Okay, so this doesn't have a lot to do with previous posts but i'm putting this back out into the universe so the message is clear

I am attracting love :)

Thursday, May 16, 2013

The Day After..Everything

I like emotion. I like hiding emotion and I like emoting emotion. I like to pretend I don't have any emotions because I'm a girl and everyone hates when we have emotions. But really: everyone has emotions and these are some of the ones I've experienced the most and I'm sure plenty of others have experienced these as well.

Sometimes my emotions aren't really 'emotions' in the traditional sense...

And sometimes my emotions don't hit me until the day after...

The day after I get back from a vacation I feel Sad
The day after I binge on vodka sodas and shots I feel Awful
The day after I pound my favorite junk food I feel Swollen
The day after I meet a new guy I feel Floaty
The day after I working a 10 hour day I feel Drainy
The day after I have a fight with a friend I feel Surreal
The day after a double header at the gym I feel Strong
The day after I broke up with a boyfriend I feel Numb or Awesome (depending..)
The day after I have a good talk with a friend I feel Fulfilled
The day after I get a good nights sleep I feel Brilliant
The day after my parents got divorced I felt Weird
The day after I clean my bedroom I feel Organized
The day after I clean my car I feel Grown Up
The day after I stay up way too late watching a new Netflix addiction I feel Buzzed
The day after I watch my new favorite movie I feel Quotey
The day after I hear something negative about myself I feel Ashamed
The day after I hear something positive about myself I feel Empowered
The day after my brother(s) say(s) something nice to me I feel Smiley
The day after I started college I felt New
The day after I moved home I felt Strange
The day after I solved a problem I felt Brainy
The day after I hear my new favorite song I feel Obsessed.

I'm not terribly sure what the point of this post was anymore. I started writing it on Tuesday and it's now Thursday.

I think it's just a thoughts post.

Sounds good.

Monday, May 13, 2013

How Many Steps Backward?

(A little more about me: I moved home to my mama about 5 years ago. After a pretty awful relationship and a move that took me to Wyoming that inevitably lead me absolutely nowhere, I moved home to work and go to school. If I wasn't doing both I wouldn't be living at home. My step dad told my mom she isn't allowed to charge me rent as long as I'm getting my degree and working full time. I buy my own groceries, pay for all my own bills.. I just happen to sleep in the same bed I did in high school.)

Moving on:
I absolutely am not meant to drink alcohol or eat salt. I always feel terrible after these weekends! Even if I consume 3 drinks on a Saturday night, Monday is miserable.

Mother's Day turned into a bunch of people from the Big Hole (a valley outside of the town I live where my step dad's ranch is) coming over to the house with fried chicken, potato salad, pasta salad and Diet 7-up. My mom made a green salad (bless her heart). I opted for 2 drum sticks, as they are smaller and a small amount of potato salad, hardly any pasta salad and of course some of the green salad. Oh and also rolls, of which I had one.

I don't know what it's going to take for me to be able to walk away from food like this. The whole time I was eating it I was thinking about how awful I was going to feel. All that salt in that processed food. Yikes. Don't get me wrong, it was really good and I was terribly grateful for our company because they are really great people...but I have a hard time making good choices when people put bad (easy) choices in front of me. This is something I think I will constantly have to work on.

Also this weekend my best friend passed all of her Montana state insurance exams and is now officially licensed! I wish I knew what that meant, but I am a communications major who works for a medical equipment provider.. Insurance isn't my strong suit. I am positively elated for her though. She's got a really brilliant mind and she is going to go so far in this life. Beyond proud of my friend :)

So that's where the alcohol for the weekend comes in. We went out to celebrate her on Saturday and man, I'm telling you, I wish I would have stuck to water. I feel bloaty and grumpy today. Stupid booze. Why do I like you so much? Back on the wagon I guess. It ruins my progress too much.. time to cut it out! The worst part is, I didn't drink to the point where I was out of control and I still had a hangover and a 2nd day nasty feeling. It's best to just do without it. What is even the point?

Oh but I also had sushi this weekend :) Which never makes me feel guilty or bad. I wish the town I lived in had a sushi place. I'd probably never eat anywhere else, including home, again!

So in short: Salty food, boozy drinks = Bad!! Healthy food, no salt, and water = Good

I go lift at the Y tonight. Totally pumped! I am usually such a cardio freak I decided to introduce lifting into all of this madness. Monday/Wednesday and hopefully the weekends I can incorporate even more! I even like to go before spin on Thursday.. It just keeps it interesting!

So I'm leaving you with this! It was my Zen Calendar quote from Friday. I really loved it and found myself reflecting on it multiple times throughout the day. It's a good one to keep with you I think! Also that is totally instagrammed.. which makes it more meaningful obviously! (insert sarcastic font here..)

Friday, May 10, 2013

Lifestyle Schmifestyle

So for a little background:
My name is Katie. I'm now 27 years old. I live in a small town in Montana. I am the fat girl in the family.. always have been. But I am finally working on it, completely and totally.
Do you know how awful it is to hear that you have a pretty face? It pretty much implies that the rest of you is garbage! But I do.. I have a really pretty face! I have clear skin and I can seriously rock my glasses!

But I've always been overweight. Always. Overweight might even be an understatement. I could definitely afford to lose more than 100lbs.. Let's face it. My lack of dedication and unwillingness to do anything difficult has kept me in near diabetes range for 10+ years.

I have literally been trying to lose weight since i was 10. I am the worst Yo-Yo dieter since Oprah. I have been on and done everything. Atkins, Southbeach, gluten free (which isn't a diet really. I thought i was allergic to it. I like to call this one of my "forever fat excuses".)

I could go on and on about the calories I've counted, reduced fat I've purchased, fat free, salt free, sugar free, fun free.
I never wanted to give up fast food, booze, cigarettes or salty foods. Ever. Throughout all of these diets i've figured out how to use all of these things (not in moderation) and manage to forgive myself for it. But I never lost any real weight.

I always go through these spurts too where I'm really good at working out. I bought a treadmill in the fall of 2011. I used it pretty steady until it broke on me (The screen.. something with the wiring) back in February of 2012. I was pretty upset, because I was finally in a "groove". Not upset enough of course to run outside, go for a walk or use one of the millions of workout DVDs I have. So I gained what little weight I lost back and then some.

The treadmill was fixed in March and I started using it again. Ish. Not as steadily as before and extremely half a**ed. I just lost my groove I guess. I had to be a bridesmaid in my friends wedding. I pretty much feel like I ruined all of her pictures with being just fat. Really. I just looked bad in the dress, I looked bad. I really was just... bad.

So, what did I do? I kept drinking, smoking, eating fast food and salty food.. BUT I was working out. So I'd whine to anyone who'd listen: I Just can't lose weight. Must be my thyroid. No other reason for it. I work SO hard!!! (Forever fat excuse..)

I set up workout "schedules" for myself last fall. I stuck to them. Hard. I was working out on point like crazy. Didn't lose any insane amount of weight. MUST be my thyroid. Couldn't be the vodka redbulls, whiskey ditches, meth labs (they are alcohol shots.. not drugs..), whiskey shots, chocolate cake shots, cider beers, pizza, Lion's Den food, Taco Bus, Macs food, after hours parties and drunk food, hangover food, big macs, french fries, potato oles, tacos, burritos......

December 24th I went to the doctor because of some mild concerns I was having. Weird pain in my gut. It wasn't a pain. It was a twitch. It was weird. Anyways..
So, every time I've gone to a Dr. in the last 5 years they've made comments about my blood pressure but no one seemed to give a shit so I didn't either. This time was different. It was high. Really high. Dr. Evans had a concerned look on her face. "Are you doing anything about your weight" she asked me. "Yes of course! I'm working out constantly but I can't lose weight! Please check my thyroid AGAIN" So we did that blood test. But she still wanted to do something about my BP. (Thyroid was fine.. btw. Still is)

The most humiliating moment of all of my life was December 24th 2012 when I, a 26 year old young-woman, was put on blood pressure medication because I wasn't taking care of myself. Awful. I felt low!! Lower than low. I felt like a dirt bag. Total scum. And also really gross.

Oh and I opted to get chantix to quit smoking, mostly because they told me I should.
It sunk in though. That next day. As I was pounding chex mix and laying on the couch nursing a hangover from the night before:
What am i doing to myself? Honestly. Why was I treating my body this way?

December 23rd was my last fast food binge, December 24th I went on my last "bender" for our annual Orphan Xmas celebration, December 26th I went and picked up both prescriptions (for my BP and the chantix). December 27th I smoked my last cigarette!

My stomach doesn't give me near the problems I had before, I don't drink to the point of making really awful decision and compromising all my hard work, I don't eat so much fast food in one sitting that I literally hate myself, I don't miss a spin or Zumba class (unless of course regular school interferes.. then I have to make a choice) And for the first time EVER in March: I went downtown with my friends on a Saturday.. had a few Ultra beers, didn't black out, didn't make any dumb decisions, and didn't totally throw all my hard work out the window for a night of binge drinking.

I'm losing weight you guys. I'm in a smaller pants size and just bought another size smaller to have as 'goal pants', i last through full songs of 'jumps' in spin class, i encourage everyone around me to attend Zumba class not to attend drinking binges, I cook really healthy delicious foods, I track my food and progress with weight watchers and spark people, I'm treating my body as it deserves
Sure sometimes I have pizza, and too many chips and I drink the occasional Fanta after a good spin class. But these things aren't my life anymore. They are the extras. They are treats, not every day life.

The picture on the left is from 2009! The right is from very recently..

Don't diet. Change your lifestyle. Completely. You have to. I had to. SO maybe you don't. But i did. I really did.
If you're having a hard time with it...look really deep. Are you still enjoying too many cocktails? Do you eat fast food or pizza more than once a week? Even on a weekly basis is too much.

My BP was 160/112
My BP on the 28th of March was 111/65. I'd say that's progress.
Also, I tried on that bridesmaids dress from before.. It's too big :)

Lifestyle change. It's the only way.

(Also.. I walked a Color Me Rad 5k the other weekend. It was almost all uphill and trail! My next goal is to run the next 5k I sign up for! See below for my incredible support team!)